My first instinct this morning was to get up and see just how much snow had fallen, and whether or not I would make the trek to the gym today. Turns out, I WILL not be. My car is a jackass in the snow, and driving home yesterday when it hadn’t even snowed an inch I was already slippin and sliding. Last night I just kept thinking how much I really don’t like the snow. I went to bed hopeful it would melt. It surely did not, and it continues to snow. I was checking on all my plants this morning, when the soft fall of the snow hitting the ground caught my attention. Suddenly, a memory made its way to me. It’s weird how little things can do that.
My memory brought me back to many snow days. One in particular sticks out the most, and that’s because I even have a photo of it. We lived in house in Federal Way that served as a nursing home at first that my mom and aunt owned. Not sure why it didn’t work out, but we made the move. It was our first experience in a house. Top to bottom it was ours. We had a huge yard. We even had a dog, named Eddie. Spacious, the kids were able to run around as much as they wanted. On this snow day, I was busy complaining about all the chores I had to do that day. An endless pile of laundry, unwashed dishes in the sink, what would I make for dinner? I didn’t want to have to bundle up the kids, then myself, then attempt to pile them in the car, head to the grocery, unpack them from the car and trudge through the store. The house was a mess. Unmade beds, crumbs on the floor, it never stayed clean. I felt like I was ALWAYS cleaning.
Also, I thought about him, how lucky he was to be out of the house. He didn’t have to do all these things, all he had to do was work. He gets to be around actual adults, having adult conversations, probably having coffee and lunch. Not worrying if our daughter is gonna get pink-eye again from rubbing her eyes from the poop on her hands. My entire day was like this; I remember feeding the kids, propping them up in front of the television after so I could actually finish all the things I needed to do. I looked in the fridge, ah, spam and eggs should be ok I thought. Sweep the floor again? Sigh. Vacuum again? Sigh. Toys everywhere. Now the kids are fighting. Sigh. At the time, I didn’t realize how resentful I had become of how my life had turned out. It was hard being a young mom. You see your young friends with no kids, in college, pursuing a career, travelling. Here I was, wiping snot off my clothes half the time. And tired. So very tired.
I remember laying down on the bed. I’m just going to close my eyes for just a second. I woke up, and I realized I had been sleeping for far too long. It wasn’t even nap time. It was disturbingly quiet too. I walked outside the room. I see my kids cross legged in front of the sliding door window with their PJ’s on. Both ecstatic and happy over the snow. I see him standing there staring at them, in admiration. He had come home early because of the snow. I sat there and I looked at my family. The family I created, the family that we created. I sit here now, trying to hold on to every detail of that moment. The kids sweet little giggles over the snow. Him, watching them. Me watching him and them. How much I loved him. How much I loved them. How long will I be able to hold on to this memory? It makes my heart hurt thinking I had almost forgotten about this moment. I think about how much time I spent being bitter. Being resentful. Thinking my life was shitty, because of what I didn’t have. Everything I’ve ever wanted was already there with me. I didn’t know any better though then.
The kids are upstairs still sleeping right now. They’re a lot bigger and older too. ALOT. You don’t realize how much time passes by being ungrateful. If you really thought about it, ask yourself, how much time do you spend complaining? How much time do you spend wishing you had more? How much time do you spend thinking everybody else has it better than you? It’s true when they say that it’s the little things that matter most. They are here, and then they are gone. They grow up. They move on. These moments are the ones I look back on the most. The ones I miss most. The moments I never want to forget. I spent way too much time wishing and worrying and complaining about everything, and not enough of it just being present. A lot of time hating the snow. The snow is here again, and you know what? While it’s here, I’m gonna play in the snow with my kids.