Well we made it folks. We survived Valentine’s Day. Well…almost anyway. We made it through most of the day. There were a few tears. Maybe a few moments of anger. A few moments of resentment and regret. Scrolling through social media was hard. I had thought about avoiding it altogether today to be honest. I didn’t think I was going to be able to handle seeing everyone’s lovey dovey posts. I made a post of my own. A few actually. Trying to proclaim self-love and empowerment. Love yourself! Yeah. We’re trying. I put on the red dress I planned on wearing on this day, and I spent all but a few hours in it before I felt a little silly being dressed up in my home. We tried. And we made it.
The truth is, I guess I was hoping for a text. I was hoping for a surprise delivery of flowers. I was hoping for an unexpected visit. I was hoping for romance. But love isn’t like the movies. It’s deeper, more adventurous, more spontaneous, and more fulfilling than that. And a hell of a lot more complicated. All I was reminded of today was, how alone I felt. It’s stupid. I have so many great friends and my family who I KNOW LOVE the shit out of me. My kids have been with me all weekend, and it’s been great overall. But come on, no one wants to be alone. Especially on this day. You can sit here and try to convince me otherwise, but if love showed up on your door, the man/woman of your dreams, you’re telling me you would say no? I don’t think so. Everyone longs to be touched, to be kissed, to be held, to just be loved. I know I do.
I’m going through a really tough time in regards to my love life right now. I realize it’s not something I should totally be focusing on, given all the events that have happened especially in the last two months. But the fact of the matter is, I’m not getting any younger. I’m sitting here thinking about him. Did he go on a date today? Did he kiss her? Does he love her? Does he even still think about me? Does even want to remember me? Remember us? I realize I’m being vague. It’s not something I’m really prepared to write about fully yet. I had a really great guy that adored me, that basically gave me everything I could have possibly wanted. I had to break it off with him though. I just couldn’t bring myself to commit to him, especially with these feelings I buried inside of me. I can’t give myself to anyone it seems until I know for sure, HE’S really moving on. That…or that HE just doesn’t love me anymore, in THAT way. While with this other man, whom I dated for quite some time, no matter how hard I tried…I just couldn’t. You can’t force love. You can’t delete a million memories. You can’t force yourself to move on. You just can’t. And I haven’t. I certainly tried, I even moved in with the other thinking that’s what I wanted. But he wasn’t HIM. He’ll never be. NO ONE will ever be.
Maybe we go through life and meet the one, but what I’m coming to find is that it doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll stay with that one. I believe you can just about build your life with anyone, make it work if you wanted to. But THAT love? That ONCE IN A LIFETIME, WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN, type of love? That happens once. I could find someone new. I could probably go back to that other guy. I’m finding that I don’t want to though. Not until I can let HIM go, or HE lets go of me. For real, and for good this time. Until I’ve come to peace with what’s been done, and find peace within myself. At that time, I’ll move on. Until then…I’m just gonna be here. Loving HIM from afar…praying/wishing/hoping for a miracle, but preparing to let go if it comes down to that. I hate the finality of how that sounds. All these realizations and reflections are things I didn’t think of as deeply as I do now. (I almost died—that’s a story for next time—but THAT was enough to wake my ass up—tragedies/death/loss will do that to you) It’s breaking my heart as I write this. At one point do you run out of tears? All I can say is, hold your loved ones tight tonight folks. Our time here is so short. With the love you have, stay honest. Stay true. Walk through the tough times together. Grow together. Forgive. Talk through it. Say what you mean, and don’t say things you don’t. Find a reason to laugh. Hug each other everyday. Kiss each other everyday. Hold hands. Say I love you often and each time you get. Be brave. Have faith. Work shit out, even when it’s hard. And it will. Your bullshit is now their bullshit and vice versa. Work through your own personal shit and issues, they affect our relationships more than you know. Be intentional. Be overly giving and overly loving. And more importantly, fuck what anyone else thinks or says! Don’t let anything get bigger than you two. NOTHING. And IF the time comes you need to let go…let go. Love doesn’t end there, even if it feels like it.
We’re doing our best out here, learning from our past, learning to love ourselves, and learning to love unconditionally, and that’s all we can do right?
To HIM, it’s been a long time since I said these words, but I love you. I miss you. And I always will. Love, B.