Can you believe it’s March? Again? Time is just cruising past us again. This March is a special one for me. It’s my Birthday month yes, but it’s a very special birthday. I’m grateful to be alive. I’m grateful for second chances. I’m grateful for my health. I’m grateful for this beautiful life that I seem to have taken for granted over and over again. Because of what I have gone through recently (another post for another day), I am seeing the world and everything in it with a different set of lenses. It’s sad that it takes traumatic events to help us realize certain things, and that’s what happened to me. I hope you don’t ever have to go through anything nearly as traumatic, but I urge anyone reading this to really stop and think about your life. I mean that more internally if anything. These last few months have brought so many things I’ve held inside me for so long. Pain, sadness, darkness, secrets, lies, and hurt. So much hurt. It’s not easy to confront these things. You can read all the self help books in the world, and seek any and all outside help, but ultimately it is always you that has to walk through it, if you so choose. I’ve avoided doing that for the last 20 years of my life. While there are many things I regret doing and not doing, saying not saying, our paths are unique. We make decisions that lead us down a path. Each path has different outcomes, different experiences. We don’t always understand why we are lead one way and others another. I believe however, we are called to experience them. Sometimes we are called to experience certain themes and lessons repeatedly to really learn them, as is the case with me. I look at the pattern of my life and I see that pattern, that ebb and flow.
Now whether or not you believe in a higher power, you can’t deny that there are forces, the hand of God that guide our lives. It’s unmistakable in my case, that God has been trying to get my attention for a long time. When you’re in a position to really look at yourself, and I mean really really look at yourself, it can be scary. It’s hard to admit when you’re wrong. When you’ve hurt someone. When you made a bad choice, or continue to make bad choices. When you lied. When you hid. It’s easier to ignore, and blame other people, to downplay, to pretend like the problem doesn’t exist. That’s what I have done for years and years. Now I am here. At a crossroads. Will this be the time you turn things around Abby? Will you be brave enough to face your demons? To make amends and rebuild bridges? To be authentically and genuinely you? Will you allow God to really enter your heart and your life this time? When is enough enough? When are you going to stop running and hiding? When will you just be you? Don’t you want peace?
The answer is yes.
The work to get there is a whole other story. I’m prepared to do what’s necessary and what it takes to find that peace inside of myself. To embrace all that darkness, because let’s face it, darkness is part of us too. We can’t know light without it. We won’t know light without it. That’s just a matter of fact. The sooner we can embrace that, the better off we’ll be. The expectation to appear as if I had my shit together was so important to me for the longest time. I didn’t want anyone to know the bad shit about me. I didn’t want anyone to see the dark side of me. But let me tell you, Living like THAT, is exhausting. You feel like you’re always on the run, and trying to come up with another lie to cover the other lie. You’re frantic all the time. You’re secretive. Nobody really knows you, so in essence nobody can actually really like you, because you’ve only shown them what you want to show them. I get it, there is a level of privacy everyone should have. But it shouldn’t be to the point where you’re living these different lives depending on the people you’re around. You shouldn’t have to put on an act at all. That’s what I feel I’ve done for much of my life. And now at 36, I’m meeting me for the first time. I’ve been afraid of her for a long time, I kept her tucked away safe from everyone. I wanted to protect people from her. The truth is though, she is part of me. I can’t be me without her. I can’t find joy without her. I can’t be at peace until I embrace her and hold her tight, and bring her to the surface.
God help me to be brave.
God help me surrender her to you.
I’m hoping this unraveling, untangling, rebuilding with her you’re able to finally meet me. The REAL me.
Like I said, this a special birthday. No more regrets. No more secrets. No more lies. No more hiding. It’s the end of me, and the beginning of her. I say this with full transparency, vulnerability, and humility. That’s a promise.