Age is such a weird thing to contemplate. I look at my parents who are nearing their 60s and outwardly they still look very young. Call it the Asian genes or whatever, but I honestly think it’s because they just really take good care of themselves. No major health problems. They eat well. They’re active. And they’re happy. I believe when you’re happy, that will definitely keep you young too.
I’m thinking about a memory. It’s watching my mom get ready for an evening event. She has her hair up in a towel, with her robe on. She’s putting on her makeup. I think how pretty my mom is. She doesn’t really need all that makeup. She’s 30ish. Sometimes I catch my own daughter doing the same to me. Standing in the doorway of the bathroom, watching me put on some lipstick. I’ve caught her putting on her makeup as well. She doesn’t need any make up either. I wish she wouldn’t wear it actually so I can see her pretty face. But she uses it to express herself, so I don’t tell her she can’t wear any. It’s funny when she doesn’t have any on though, I always act surprised and in awe (because I am) at how beautiful my daughter is. She has deep thinking eyes. The parallelism. Me watching my mom in her 30s. My daughter watching me in my 30s. I wonder what she’s thinking.
The concept of time seems so complex. There never seems to be enough of it, and yet we live as though we have an abundance of it. When do you work harder? When do you slow down? Where is the balance between the two? Is time really ever wasted? Or are we moving at the pace we were intended to? I think now more than ever I’m convinced we go through experiences and times because we just are supposed to at the pace we’re supposed to. We are always right on time I think. I mean haven’t you noticed that things just seem to work themselves out the way they’re supposed to at the exact time they’re supposed to. So when things don’t, or we try to force things they find a way to reset back on that path it was originally in. I’m not sure if that makes any sense. I guess it make more sense in my head.
I think all I’m trying to say is at this age time is both a blessing and a curse. While I don’t want to have any more regrets, I don’t want to get stuck trying to frantically chase things either, as if I have something to prove. I don’t want to get stuck chasing the wrong things either. I don’t want to work to just survive. I don’t want to live life planned, but I also don’t want to feel like I don’t have any sense of direction or purpose like before. I want to slow down when I need to, hustle when I need to, and stop when it’s enough. How will I know when it’s enough? I think God will nudge me at that moment. I think He often nudges me to be honest. But I continue to ask Him for the desire to want more in this life not because I’m ungrateful in any way. I just want to BE better. DO better. Because I know I can. While the concept of wasting time seems like a trend in my life, if I really sit and think about it…everything I’ve gone through and all the decisions and choices I’ve made so far have led me here. A little more wise. A little more enlightened. A little more aware. And definitely more sure of what I want out of the time I have left.
I think 36 is gonna be a good one. Have a fresh outlook and perspective. There has been a shift in my priorities. I’ve always been a go with the flow type of person…and I think even more so now but with a better sense of self in all aspects. Its dangerous to be go with the flow when you are afraid of yourself. I think I’ll always be a little afraid of myself but that’s only because even though I’ve gone through what I’ve had, made the mistakes I need to, I think what scares me is now that I know better, doing/speaking what’s right, and what’s in my heart is so foreign. I’m scared but excited about what that will look like for me in practice.