Today you would have been 30 weeks. And while I am forever grateful for the gift and love you left me, I also spend a lot of it floored with sadness some days. Although outwardly, you would never know. No one would ever guess. I just keep on smiling through it. It’s when I lay down at night, especially when no one else is with me that I let the tears fall. And they fall and feel heavy on my face. I sometimes wake up in a cold sweat. My eyes burned with tears. My heart heavy with loss and grief over you. I can’t help but wonder what if.
I can imagine what your giggles would have sounded like. That sweet little baby scent on the top of your head and between your neck and toes. It makes my heart ache. There is a vacant spot inside of me that you once held in the short time you were with me. I could still feel your butterfly kicks.
Today is just a hard day. It’s not the first, it’s just one of many since you left me and certainly not the last. I’m doing my best to not overwhelm myself or anyone around me with this pain. But today is just especially hard and I really don’t know why. Some days I can get along just fine. And I am fine, don’t worry about me. I hope you’re doing ok up there. I miss you and I love you.