We all have those things don’t we? The things we don’t talk about. The things we pretend don’t exist and didn’t happen. The things we second guess, make excuses for, make sense of, compartmentalize, overanalyze, turn over and over in our minds, but never actually speak of out loud. Why don’t we say or talk about these things I asked myself? I guess I can only really speak for myself when I say, that for me, it’s really about shame. Being exposed, as if I were some kind of fraud. But the fraud I’ve come to find, is hiding all these things. Keeping them secret, left to fester and rot me from the inside out, to the point where it has made me mentally and emotionally ill, and sometimes physically ill. The things we don’t talk about we carry around like the hairs on our head. Except unlike hair, these things are heavy, and we add to it constantly, and the weight just becomes heavier, and heavier. They literally weigh us down. That’s what it feels/felt like for me.
Because of recent events in particular that have happened in my life, I’ve realized the only way to lighten the load is to exercise an extreme level of honesty and transparency for the time being. Talking about and being open about things most people would feel is unnecessary to be so open about, all the big things but also the very small and mundane things. I asked myself why be this excessive? And my first thought was another question. Am I still trying to prove myself? Am I trying to prove that I’m a good person? The answer is both yes and no. I think I’m trying to convince MYSELF that I’m a good person. That I have good IN me. That the things we, that I, don’t talk about, DO NOT define me, but it matters. It matters because it hurts. It matters because it’s all relevant. It matters because the things we don’t talk about, hold incredible power. The way to tap in to that power and discover WHAT that power is, is by talking about it. Unleashing it in to the world. What I’m discovering is its in the things we don’t talk about that we build our most significant connections and relationships with ourselves, with people and the world.
I’m still in the early stages of release. And it’s hard confronting and bringing things to the surface. Even harder still, is fighting to keep them at the surface. The urge to retreat can be insanely strong at times. When you are trying to undo and unbecome and unravel it feels like you’re stuck alone in this labyrinth. You know there’s a way out, there’s no shortcut, and it’s YOU and ONLY YOU who can find your way out. What does it mean to actually talk about things? To bring things to the surface? Sometimes I feel there’s an outcome I need to expect and other people expect, otherwise what’s the point right? What is the outcome I need? What if we’re wrong. What if there is no outcome. Just being. Just it is what it is. This happened. This is how I feel about it. This is how its affected me. I’m talking about it because it matters to me. I don’t know why it matters to me. I don’t know why it bothers me. But I want to talk about it. JUST BECAUSE. We’re so conditioned to think about the result or purpose of things as if EVERY single thing in life should have an outcome or reason to happen or exist. I’m here thinking, should there always be a reason? Can there be no reason other than, I want to talk about this. I want to let this out. I want to address this, just because. The just because IS the reason. The just because INCLUDES all the reasons. And the just because doesn’t expect results or changes or anything drastic just the mere fact that I CAN choose to let it out without ridicule, judgement, expectation, or anything else. It’s the reason and NOT the reason.
I really don’t know if I’m making sense at all. All I know is I’m ready to talk about the things we don’t talk about.