I got in to a really big fight with my brother. We never fight. We got in to it maybe a little over a week ago now. Haven’t heard a peep from him. I’ve been thinking about it non-stop. The words. His words. He brought up a lot of family secrets. You know…the things we don’t talk about. I found out he got in to a fight with my mom too. Except, he already apologized to her. He hasn’t said NOT ONE WORD to me.
I don’t know how to take his silence. He said a lot of hurtful things in regards to me too on top of family shit. I didn’t realize he harbored so much strong negative feelings about the choices I’ve made in my life. He even said so himself, he just doesn’t say anything. I don’t think it was his words that hurt. It was the reminder that these things happened. The choices I made affected people. They hurt people. THAT is what hurts. While nothing can be done or reversed about those choices NOW, its apparent his feelings, and perhaps the feelings and thoughts of others also remain. The hurt remains. I don’t know how to get past it. All I feel is guilt. Guilt that I ever hurt anyone. I didn’t think my choices held so much impact or carried so much weight with people. I’m sorry just doesn’t cut it with these things. I’ll do better? That doesn’t cut it other. So what does?
I fear it will be nothing. I fear that I won’t be able to take away that hurt or pain. I feel responsible for fixing it. How do you really “fix” anything though? I feel like you don’t…not really. You do the easy thing, which is NOT talk about it. So then what? We do the opposite? We talk about it? I think so. I know it doesn’t change not a damn thing. But it feels like a start. A start that doesn’t really have an ending, because it’s continuous. Matters of the heart are continuous. They require continuous care and effort. Healing takes intentional effort. Intentional meaning even when it hurts and even when its hard, and even when no one wants to talk about it, we do, I DO. I guess that’s where I’m at. I want to be intentional. I don’t want to be sorry, otherwise I will just keep being sorry. I don’t want to “fix” anything because it will feel like I just covered it up again and put a pretty bow on it and call it good, lame and fake. I want to be intentional. Ongoing. Ever moving. Ever changing. Ever forgiving. Ever honest. Ever authentic. Ever purposeful.
The last message I sent my brother was letting him know that I love him. That I’m open to talk about anything he wants to talk about and address. That’s where I’m at with everyone. Anyone I’ve hurt or wronged. Open to talk. Ready to ask for forgiveness. Ready to heal. I need to be careful though. I’m a highly sensitive person. It’s hard for me not to take things personally. I easily cry. My feelings get easily hurt. When my feelings get hurt, my instinct is to run and retreat. I refuse to do that though, and I won’t. But on the flip side of that, I need to just allow myself to feel it all. Get my feelings hurt. I can’t help that I think and feel with my whole heart. It’s just who I am. I think what will help is recognizing and affirming that what he feels is real and not discounting it. He feels what he feels, and he can’t help that.
I don’t know when I’m going to talk to my brother. I’m debating if I should reach out to him. My gut says no. Give him space. My older sister side is saying, try again, and keep trying. You’re the older sister. The neutral part of me is saying to let it happen naturally. My mom says to give him time, so that’s what I’ll do. In the meantime, I guess it will give me more time to think about some of the shit he brought up. Many of the things we said in anger, really bother me too. There aren’t any perfect families. There are no perfect people. It’s clear my family isn’t. That I’m not. Not my parents. Not my siblings. Nobody. We all have things we carry. I just wish we could talk about these things. I know not everyone is ready for that though.